Depression Why is it that I get instantly turned off when I think about my face

[Polar-Z]

I'm so fuckin hideous that I can't even Keep a boner up, even in my own fantasy/head . I can jerk it off and get it up to any girl no matter how ugly or fat she is because My standards are practically non existent. But the only way that works is when my own face is blurred off like an anime self insert protagonist (you know those guys with no eyes).

But Idk why that is. is it because I let reality slip in and bruise my ego by admitting by observing something that isn't realistic or natural?. or is this some subconscious fuckin fetish that I'm too stupid to be aware of?.

It's not just the jerking off or porn either. I look at the mirror and I literally feel like I'm an outsider observing someone else's facial expression, quite literally like staring at a stranger and it's such an unpleasant feeling too(is there a name for this?).

 

[Riddler]

Something like this is a big part of my virginity and perhaps psuedo - asexuality. It's not just face really it's everything

Even when I had libido I only enjoyed gooning as a solitary thing, passive observer. The idea of having to be naked in a room with someone induces depersonalization/derealization you describe and feels inherently humiliating, I want the validation surrounding it and chicken out before the deed itself

I haven't really seen this described. The closet named concept in an "erotic target location error" but that doesnt quite grasp it, it doesnt get the self loathing part enough

 

[Guest404]

or is this some subconscious fuckin fetish that I'm too stupid to be aware of?

I used to feel like this post nut , but after taking a shower I get sober again .