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Tat Tvam Asi
- Dec 13, 2020
- 6,626
Disclaimer: This is a long post just about my personal life; I would appreciate if you would read it if you feel to do so
I never had really any negative experiences with women that I can remember, I was never really interested in relationships tbh, in a way I was , but it was more because I wanted someone to hug and hold ( I am someone finds a lot of meaning in physical touch and it helps soothe me a lot) my family has always been very loving and I received a lot of hugs and quality time over the years and I think it has benefited me a lot.
I believe it was after COVID-19 hit when I just started getting PSL/Blackpill videos like FaceLMS and others.
Probably because at the time I watched a lot of men's style and grooming channels like Alpha M because my cousin introduced me to that world of grooming and the such,
Honestly, I never really bought a lot of the stuff; the "blackpill" in simple stuff like looks matter and if your higher in physical attractiveness that women will want you was so blatantly obvious for me even from a young age. I have pretty much always been somewhat successful when asking out girls either cold approach or people I know. Sometimes a girl like 5PSL would reject me and other times, another girl of 5 PSL would be willing to go out. I never did much with girls except just hug and feel each other and stuff.
Honestly, it was really nice getting attention like that when I did, but I really never felt a connection with any woman and really with any person in my interpersonal relationships.
I am truly blessed to have the upbringing that I have when I look at it in retrospect, I spent a lot of time alone; despite being a crazy extrovert, I was forced to learn more about my self. I didn't have much access to the Internet, only in the last two years have I been able to fully use it.
I grew up strongly religious, over the years my nuclear family hasn't heeded much attention to the religious and ritualistic aspect yet has remained moral.
I never truly felt God or the Holy Spirit ever intervene in my life. I remember when I was in 3rd grade in a Christian school and I was told to write how I came to know Jesus in an essay, (I am a Messianic Jew, Google for more info) an at that point I realized not of what Jesus had done in my personal life, but of how I truly acted in the world.
I never ever "accepted" Jesus into my life, I just followed what my parents, teachers, and elders had said.
In that essay I wrote some lie that I when I realized the beauty of the world that it was too great for man to have built (Ironically, when I was writing that I was thinking of the skyscrapers and cities that had memorized me when I visited this one city that is still dear to my heart).
When I was 14-15, I had really seriously regarding how I was going to live, at that time I would read large sections of the Bible nearly everyday and even carry out rituals that were binded only by tradition, not by command.
I also studied everything that supported the Judeo-Christian faith and researched other faiths (Which I still do because of my temperament) I compared them against the arguments for Atheism and other explanations of reality. I think this is when I became interested in Physics, it is a new depth on how things work and how anything does something. I liked that it was also something challenging enough that I could enjoy. I was always a very bright kid, in my early years this was pointed out a lot by teachers and my parents which is probably another reason why I was forced to be homeschooled for pretty much 5th grade to now (excluding the time I spent at college)
The world, the way people act, music, books, art, and the unknown of what I knew has always kept my life meaningful, I literally cannot feel nihilstic about my existence because of how much those things bring a new depth on how I think about Being (as Heidegger dubs the human experience as) Unless if something of great tragedy were to befall me would I possibly become Nihilistic but given how much I feel about reality now, I don't think so as much.
At this point in writing this, I don't mean to boast about my accomplishments or my circumstances, but this is something I needed to get into writing so I could organize my thoughts and I could have anonymous people just give their thoughts about it.
I have always had problems feeling something "real" from people as I have gotten older and more aware, it feels like people are empty husks when they have to confront their own self and what is truly them, this is just an insight of mine.
I don't have any social disorders, I have gotten administered for a few psychometric tests, one of them that tested for ASD (Autism) showed I was either at 23 or 22 on that scoring which is like average "Neurotypicalness."
I have learned a lot so sometimes I have a great problem sorting out what ideas I have are of my own or are from someone else.
Truly, the most hopeless time in my life is what lead to me becoming a NEET the past ~6 months. It was such a strange time in my life, what was the fall/ winter semester of 2020, I have not been able to wrap my head around what was going on in my head at that time, I had become extremally withdrawn from anything that required effort, the only thing that I really did was browse the Internet and play the Piano. I haven't been able to describe my whole experience at that time but I totally neglected all of my course work and got dropped from the program which offered early college.
I had a contradiction within myself, I had betrayed what I wanted because of some change in my psyche. I became hopeless and hedonistic and for 6 months I lived like a hardcore comfy NEET shut-in. I thought it would be my salvation at that time, but I didn't really I knew I was lying to myself and was to cowardly to face reality. I have come to terms and made peace with it thankfully.
This the the most honest I believe I have wrote about myself ever. I do write in a personal journal where I write things with a similar theme to this, but I think this is the most honest I have tried to articulate of myself in writing.
I don't have a conclusion to this, I want to have an open discussion and ask me questions if you feel to do so but that is all I intend to write.
I never had really any negative experiences with women that I can remember, I was never really interested in relationships tbh, in a way I was , but it was more because I wanted someone to hug and hold ( I am someone finds a lot of meaning in physical touch and it helps soothe me a lot) my family has always been very loving and I received a lot of hugs and quality time over the years and I think it has benefited me a lot.
I believe it was after COVID-19 hit when I just started getting PSL/Blackpill videos like FaceLMS and others.
Probably because at the time I watched a lot of men's style and grooming channels like Alpha M because my cousin introduced me to that world of grooming and the such,
Honestly, I never really bought a lot of the stuff; the "blackpill" in simple stuff like looks matter and if your higher in physical attractiveness that women will want you was so blatantly obvious for me even from a young age. I have pretty much always been somewhat successful when asking out girls either cold approach or people I know. Sometimes a girl like 5PSL would reject me and other times, another girl of 5 PSL would be willing to go out. I never did much with girls except just hug and feel each other and stuff.
Honestly, it was really nice getting attention like that when I did, but I really never felt a connection with any woman and really with any person in my interpersonal relationships.
I am truly blessed to have the upbringing that I have when I look at it in retrospect, I spent a lot of time alone; despite being a crazy extrovert, I was forced to learn more about my self. I didn't have much access to the Internet, only in the last two years have I been able to fully use it.
I grew up strongly religious, over the years my nuclear family hasn't heeded much attention to the religious and ritualistic aspect yet has remained moral.
I never truly felt God or the Holy Spirit ever intervene in my life. I remember when I was in 3rd grade in a Christian school and I was told to write how I came to know Jesus in an essay, (I am a Messianic Jew, Google for more info) an at that point I realized not of what Jesus had done in my personal life, but of how I truly acted in the world.
I never ever "accepted" Jesus into my life, I just followed what my parents, teachers, and elders had said.
In that essay I wrote some lie that I when I realized the beauty of the world that it was too great for man to have built (Ironically, when I was writing that I was thinking of the skyscrapers and cities that had memorized me when I visited this one city that is still dear to my heart).
When I was 14-15, I had really seriously regarding how I was going to live, at that time I would read large sections of the Bible nearly everyday and even carry out rituals that were binded only by tradition, not by command.
I also studied everything that supported the Judeo-Christian faith and researched other faiths (Which I still do because of my temperament) I compared them against the arguments for Atheism and other explanations of reality. I think this is when I became interested in Physics, it is a new depth on how things work and how anything does something. I liked that it was also something challenging enough that I could enjoy. I was always a very bright kid, in my early years this was pointed out a lot by teachers and my parents which is probably another reason why I was forced to be homeschooled for pretty much 5th grade to now (excluding the time I spent at college)
The world, the way people act, music, books, art, and the unknown of what I knew has always kept my life meaningful, I literally cannot feel nihilstic about my existence because of how much those things bring a new depth on how I think about Being (as Heidegger dubs the human experience as) Unless if something of great tragedy were to befall me would I possibly become Nihilistic but given how much I feel about reality now, I don't think so as much.
At this point in writing this, I don't mean to boast about my accomplishments or my circumstances, but this is something I needed to get into writing so I could organize my thoughts and I could have anonymous people just give their thoughts about it.
I have always had problems feeling something "real" from people as I have gotten older and more aware, it feels like people are empty husks when they have to confront their own self and what is truly them, this is just an insight of mine.
I don't have any social disorders, I have gotten administered for a few psychometric tests, one of them that tested for ASD (Autism) showed I was either at 23 or 22 on that scoring which is like average "Neurotypicalness."
I have learned a lot so sometimes I have a great problem sorting out what ideas I have are of my own or are from someone else.
Truly, the most hopeless time in my life is what lead to me becoming a NEET the past ~6 months. It was such a strange time in my life, what was the fall/ winter semester of 2020, I have not been able to wrap my head around what was going on in my head at that time, I had become extremally withdrawn from anything that required effort, the only thing that I really did was browse the Internet and play the Piano. I haven't been able to describe my whole experience at that time but I totally neglected all of my course work and got dropped from the program which offered early college.
I had a contradiction within myself, I had betrayed what I wanted because of some change in my psyche. I became hopeless and hedonistic and for 6 months I lived like a hardcore comfy NEET shut-in. I thought it would be my salvation at that time, but I didn't really I knew I was lying to myself and was to cowardly to face reality. I have come to terms and made peace with it thankfully.
This the the most honest I believe I have wrote about myself ever. I do write in a personal journal where I write things with a similar theme to this, but I think this is the most honest I have tried to articulate of myself in writing.
I don't have a conclusion to this, I want to have an open discussion and ask me questions if you feel to do so but that is all I intend to write.
